Grief Vanishes

Here's a little bit more about Mary and how I think she may have reacted to the crucifixion of her Son.

Dear Diary;

John laid his hand on my shoulder, and asked if I would care

to share with him what I had been writing.

I shrugged my shoulders slightly, and he took that as an affirmative.

I sat there leaning against his arm while he read.

When he was done, he wrapped his arms around me, and our tears

mingled. I’m glad he is comfortable holding me close now that Yeshua

and Yosef are both gone. Under normal situations a man is forbidden

to touch a woman unless she is his wife or child, so it is good that

Yeshua told John to take care of me. Sometimes a woman needs

a man to hold them close!

Eventually our weeping lessened because after all life must go on

even though the Light of our lives has been extinguished.

John told me that at the end Yeshua had commended His

spirit into the hands of his Heavenly Father. That is some consolation,

I suppose, but did Yahweh accept Him? Oh such bitterness is seeping

into my bones. I can not live this way but I have no strength to fight

against it!

One more memory is haunting me. I may as well write it out

since it is so oppressive. When I saw what they had put on His head,

something fierce welled up within me. It was a wreath of terrible thorns,

so sharp that the blood was coursing in rivulets down His cheeks. I

wanted, oh, how I wanted to snatch it off and fling it aside. They were

scoffing at His sacred claims to be a King! Years of conditioning to be

quietly submissive rooted me to the spot. I have lovingly washed, and

combed those locks, and now they were matted, and blood stained!

I have soothed that pallid brow countless times, and kissed Him to

sleep. Oh why am I doing this to myself? Why must I dredge up all

these terrible scenes? I want to forget, and wrap myself in a mantle of

pleasanter memories, but the awfulness of what has happened tears at

me. Even the veil in the temple was torn in half! I am so frightened. It

seems like evil is stronger than good, and where will it all end?

When I lay aside my writing instruments, I hope sleep will grip me

once again. I am so terrified of the unknown while awake, I so rarely

fall asleep, but at least when I do there is oblivion for a short while.

237

Early tomorrow morning some of His closest friends will accompany

me to the tomb for our final acts of service to Him Whom we all loved

so dearly. I know the disciples will not go. They have lost faith, and

hope. It has been a crushing disappointment for them, for all of us, but

we must do this, and then somehow muddle blindly onwards without

the Light of our lives.

Yeshua, oh, Yeshua, do You know how much we have been hurt?

238

22nd Nissan

April 14th

Dear Diary;

It is much later. It seems like this long night will never end yet I

dread seeing His precious face so still and cold in death. Will the agony

ever lessen?

22nd Nissan

April 15th

Dear Diary;

Yeshua, Yeshua, Yeshua! How I adore you! How I marvel at how true

Your claims to be the Son of God and the Messiah were. Yehoshua!

I can not say Your Holy Name enough! Oh the wonders of beholding

Your glorious face once again! Never has the healing of my spirit been

so rapid, and so complete!

Never have the tears of grief been transformed into tears of rejoicing

as they did that Holy Day! Never in my wildest dreams had I expected

to see You alive, as the resurrected Son of God, healed in body, and

radiant in spirit. Now, even more than during Your years of being a

rabban, and healer I will willingly be in the background; I will mingle

with the crowd, and just be another of Your ardent followers. Yeshua,

I want to cling to Your sacred feet, and be Your bond servant. Nothing

could give me deeper pleasure than doing your every bidding. I will

forever bask in Your Shekinah in the form of the Holy Spirit, but Oh, I

am soo glad that Thou art back!

239

Dear Diary;

Yeshua is gone again, but this time the departure was so much easier

to bear. He has gone to be with His Heavenly Father were He certainly

deserves to be, and He is preparing a place for all of His Chavivi, beloved.

Thank you, thank you, oh Heavenly Father for letting me care for

Him for just a little while during the time He dwelt among us. Now

I understand that the veil of the temple was rent in twain to show

us we could reach You directly after He died! Thank you for letting

me kiss those nail wounded hands one last time. He is so whole once

again, but those scars are left in His precious hands to remind us of the

tremendous cost of our redemption.

Thank You for those final glorious moments on the hillside while

we watched Him float up into Heaven. I know that He must return to

You from whence He came, but oh I will cherish Shekinah, and some

day, oh happy day, we will meet again!

With  love, and rejoicing, from Mary 'am